"Wife" Is a Four Letter Word
Some of you may know that I recently, okay two days ago, got married, and I hate the word “wife". I literally cringe every time I hear the word “wife.” Part of allowing myself to get married is, and has been, redefining what marriage means, or can mean, to me , as well as all the words that traditionally go along with marriage. Fortunately for me, my new husband accepts and loves me as I am, and still wanted to marry me, haha. I think, no, I know, he was a little disappointed when I told him . . . “No, I don’t think so, I am not changing my last name.” Of course, in my feminist mind, I think “You changing your last name sweetheart?” Therefore, I am going to officially redefine what the word “wife” means to me, and it’s too late for my new husband, because we are already married, and honestly, he really does love me.
The true definition of the word “wife” is a married woman, period. However, for me, and many other women, the word “wife” has meant many other things. In my first marriage, “wife” meant many things, that I no longer believe. It meant self-sacrifice. Some may read that and think, “What is wrong with self-sacrifice?” What is wrong with this idea of self-sacrifice is that as women, we have been taught and shown that we must literally sacrifice ourselves for our husbands. Whether it is our career, our bodies, our hopes, our dreams, we surrender ourselves in order to support our husband. In my first marriage I sacrificed too much of myself, and I have gradually been nourishing, growing, and discovering much beauty in my being over the last several years. This idea of self-sacrifice is no longer true for me. I do not sacrifice my mental, physical, emotional, spiritual well-being for another, not even my husband. And the most beautiful part is, my new husband does not expect that from me.
For me, being a wife in the past, meant supporting my husband unconditionally. I confused unconditional love with unconditional support. Just because you love someone unconditionally, does not mean that you have to support them unconditionally, especially if their behaviors are harmful to themselves and others. Especially if you disagree with them, you are allowed to have your own opinions, your own thoughts, and you are allowed to express them. In my first marriage, though I loved him unconditionally and deeply, I fell into this trap of unconditional support for many years. I consciously knew that if I chose to disagree with him, that there would be consequences. Because of this, many times I chose to be quiet, other times I spoke up, and I suffered the consequences, because I knew that his reactions had nothing to do with me, but with his own suffering. My new husband and I love each other unconditionally, we accept each other as we are, we support each other, and we allow each other to have our own opinions and beliefs, and we consciously choose behaviors that do not harm ourselves and the ones we love.
Wife equals household manager, is another belief I used to have. I thought I had to cook and prepare every meal, do all the laundry, keep the house clean, keep track of all the bills and make sure they got paid. Now, I allow myself to primarily take care of myself, and the other adults in the house to do the same. I enjoy going to Target and buying groceries, so I do make sure there is food in the house, but I no longer feel like I have to prepare dinner every night, and I don’t. Some nights I cook, sometimes, my husband grills, sometimes, it’s each human for herself/himself, and sometimes we get take out. Now, I do my laundry, he does his laundry. And, confession, I do enjoy some of the cleaning duties, so I do tend to clean more than the other people that live in my home, but, guess what!, I get to ask for help when I need it, and it all gets done! And, as for the bills, I keep track of mine, he keeps track of his, and we have one joint account to pay our joint bills, the rest we keep separate.
Staying hidden and small while playing this role of wife is another belief I used to have as well. No one should see all of these things I am doing, I shouldn’t make a big deal about it, I should stay humble and invisible. I should fulfill my role as wife out of duty and self-sacrifice. But, why shouldn’t people see me? Why shouldn’t I have value and be worthy of recognition? All humans have value and are worthy of being seen and acknowledged. Why as women and wives do we find it hard to be seen, acknowledged, and valued? Most likely because of our conditioning, it’s what we saw our mothers do, it’s what we saw on t.v. And, we get to change that, we get to decide to value ourselves and in turn demand that we are treated accordingly.
So, then, what is the new definition of “wife” for me? A “wife” is a helpmate, a partner. A “wife” demands respect, and gives respect. A “wife” allows herself to be loved and appreciated, and loves and appreciates her husband. A “wife” can ask for help, and create loving boundaries. She can speak her mind, and not be afraid. She can laugh at herself, and her husband, and life. She can create beauty in her life and in the lives of those that surround her. She can be her authentic self, and be loved for it. She can dance in the kitchen, sew on a button, tell her husband “no”, and ask for what she wants. A “wife” is autonomous and sovereign, and she is a beacon to her partner. I enjoy saying lots of four-letter words, and I think I am going to enjoy fulfilling this re-defined role of “wife". What else can we re-define?
Experimenting with Writing
As a Toltec and Warrior Goddess, part of my spiritual practice is running experiments. My current experiment is to really try on this role of “Writer” for the next several weeks. A few months ago I signed up for a writing workshop because I have known that part of my contribution to this world would be writing a book about my experiences with my late husband. I knew this in my heart and being before he passed away, and now it has been three years, and I am ready to try my hand at writing. I know I have stories to tell and lessons learned that others may resonate with, and so as part of my writing journey, I want to share what I wrote today in answer to the following prompt: “What do you feel are your 5 core values?”
What are my core values . . . ? Hmmmmm . . . not necessarily in order of importance . . . Love, Presence, Stillness, Learning and Acceptance, it's hard to choose only five to be honest. I want to keep adding because it is my nature to want to include everything and not leave anything out, not wanting anyone else to feel like I have left anything out, and feeling the need to defend my choices as the good and right choices. So, why did I choose these five core values of love, presence, stillness, learning, and acceptance? Let's find out.
First, I chose love, because I feel so strongly that first we should lead with love in all that we do. When I dream of this love, it is true love, it is an unconditional love. It is love without fear, it is pure. I believe when we lead with love in our lives, in all that we do, others will feel this love, they will remember that feeling they had when they were in our presence. They will know that they were truly in the presence of love, that no matter what they have done or said in the past, in that moment they are loved, and worthy of that love. This love is not always fluffy with unicorns and rainbows, it can be very practical and responsible as well. And this sense of responsibility and practicality, because we live in this world where some things just need to get done, can also be approached with love. Remember that this love is not just for others, it is unmistakably for ourselves as well. This may be the hardest part of fulfilling and living completely in love. True self-love means loving all parts of ourselves, the wonderful parts, and the not so wonderful parts. Love is honest, and forgiving, and love can also be fierce when needed. Living from and embodying love in my life everyday is of great importance to me, it helps me shine.
Next, I chose presence. To me presence is living in the moment with deep awareness. Many people call this mindfulness. To me it is living in the present, being completely aware of what the physical, mental, emotional, energetic and spiritual components of my being are feeling, experiencing, and wanting. This deep awareness helps me to better align with what I really want and need in this life and it also helps me to notice and ask what the other humans, animals, and beings in my life want and need. The beautiful and interesting thing about all of these core values that I find I want to live by is, that they all take practice. I must practice presence, I must practice love, I must practice all of my core values, because sometimes they don't come easy, or sometimes, I get stuck in old habits, yet it is my innate nature to get up and keep practicing.
Third, I chose stillness. Stillness for me is an inner stillness. It is peace, hope, love, and presence all wrapped up into one. It is a sense of inner calmness, my mind is completely silent, my emotions are like a serenely flowing brook, and my energy is tranquil, calm, and rested. With this stillness, I can access my deep knowing, my intuition and wisdom, and really know what my next action steps are, and how to make big and small decisions that come up in life. In physical movement, I often find this inner stillness while walking in nature, while dancing, or practicing yoga. It is very freeing and comforting being able to access this inner stillness. Stillness is my "true work". Finding this stillness within myself, embodying it, and radiating it out into the world and through my work in the world, is something I have been practicing for several years. Like love and presence, it is a practice.
Next, I chose learning. Learning is not only my profession, it is my life's journey. I love to read, listen to podcasts, teach, listen to other people's stories, and learn new modalities of healing and living. Not everything is interesting to me, but there are so many subjects that are interesting to me that I find myself constantly learning. Part of this learning is integrating. Sometimes I find myself not giving myself enough time to integrate what I have learned because I am jumping into the next topic. Sometimes, then I have to go back and re-visit, re-learn. I suppose that is what life is, a journey of learning and re-learning. Learning can happen formally, or informally, daily, and in many different ways. Maybe at some point we master something but the real joy comes in the learning, experiencing. For me, part of learning, is sharing. Sharing the knowledge and wisdom we acquire along the way. I believe in sharing, there is a deep gift for the teacher, it is joy, satisfaction, and a solidifying of what we have learned.
Finally, my fifth core value is that of acceptance. Acceptance of what is and what may come. Acceptance of all of life, the good and bad, the beautiful and ugly things in life, the hard times, and times when life just seems to flow. Acceptance allows us more peace and less suffering. Acceptance helps us to avoid blaming ourselves and others and playing the victim. Acceptance helps us to take action, instead of spending too much time in denial and procrastination. Acceptance that, as my teacher HeatherAsh Amara says, "Life is perfectly imperfect, unpredictable, and unexplainable." When we learn how to accept that, life can be more joyous and complete.
So, those are my five core values: love, presence, stillness, learning, and acceptance. I could add or subtract, but I think this is a good list. It may or may not resonate with you, but it resonates with where I am at in my life. I try every day to practice and embody these core values. At times I may falter, wait, at times I do falter, and that's ok, because one of the many things I have learned on this journey is that it serves no one to beat myself up about it, instead, I re-focus my energy and intent to live by these core values to the best of my ability each day.
Much love to you on your journey,
Rachel
Being more like Cuddles
I have been pondering this idea for some time . . . the lessons that Cuddles, my special, sometimes too loving and annoying Shih Tzu, has taught me. I found Cuddles over 11 years ago, shortly after my mother passed away, I felt this strong desire to have a pet, a being I could take care of, and at the same time help my children learn how to take care of another being, and I guess, also fill that new void that I found in my life without my mother. So, once I said yes, my late husband started the search for a hypoallergenic (my kids and I have allergies), small dog, and since then he has been an integral part of our lives. I often joke that he is my third child, and my late husband and I have even been accused of taking better care of him than our own children (Definitely not true, but you can imagine that a jaded teenager may think so.) The point is, is that this little ten pounder has taught us many things while he has shared his journey with us. I would like to focus on the three biggies: patience, loyalty, and unconditional love.
Though I grew up having many pets, I never had a dog, well, I am told we briefly had a dog when I was a baby, so I have no recollection of said dog. Anyway, we had cats and bunnies, and I had a bird, hamsters, and fish, but never a dog, so this was my first adventure in being a dog mom. From the get go I learned that I would have to be patient with myself and Cuddles, as well as other family members in caring for Cuddles. From day one he whined, and I didn’t know what he needed, he pooped and peed on the carpet, even though he was “potty-trained”. It was like being a new mother again, we could not use our words to communicate, so we had to feel each other out, learn each other. 11 years later he is still teaching us, sometimes I wonder what he must think of his humans, why haven’t they learned yet? Yet, he is patient, and persistent. So, instead of thinking “Why haven’t they figured this out yet?”, let’s think, "How can I better listen to, serve, or understand this being?” “How can I be more patient and persistent in my relationship with this being?” Questions to ponder . . .
Cuddles is my protector, I suppose because I chose him and held him first and tried to understand him, he “loves me the most”, as I like to put it. He is utterly devoted to me, and I to him. Sometimes others get upset with him, but I guess we get each other, so we rarely get upset with each other, and if we do, we can still be assured of the others faithfulness, and we quickly forgive each other. When my late husband passed away, Cuddles spent three days grieving. He laid on Daddy’s side of the bed, or under the bed on Daddy’s side, and howled at times, or just silently grieved . He has been loyal even in death. Dogs are intensely loyal, which has been a different experience for me as a first time Dog Mom. He comforts us in all times, when we are sick, when we are well, when we are sad and grieving, or happy and celebrating, he is by our side.
This dog loves unconditionally. He does not hold grudges. He does not withhold his love if things do not go his way. Often as humans our love becomes conditional in our relationships. Not Cuddles! He shows and gives his love without provisions: he wags his tail, he gives kisses freely, he is true and steadfast. He also receives love unconditionally. Sometimes, as humans, it is difficult for us to receive love for various reasons, whether we feel unworthy or that the love may come with obligations. Cuddles openly receives love: scratches, loving words, treats, snuggles, walks, without a thought.
What lessons have you learned from your fur baby? Animals? Spirit animals?
Much love,
Rachel
Embracing the Duality of Life
Over the last several months I have continually noticed the duality of life. Simultaneously, in my person, in relationship with those around me, and out in the world. As I started noticing all of this duality, I thought . . . How can this be? One has to be right, and one has to be wrong, and, I am learning to replace that thought with . . . . . This is how it is. How can I embrace and honor the duality of life? How can I find balance for me?
The duality that I have been aware of in myself is, one, the desire to stay small, but also to be big and seen, and, two, the fear of not being enough, or of being too much. For most of my life I have wanted to stay small and unseen, partly out of fear that others would see that I am not perfect and could see all of my flaws, and also, because it just feels easier and more comfortable to stay in the shadows. What do I have to say or contribute that has not already been said or contributed to the world? Why would anyone want to listen to me, or look at me? The flip side of this is that underlying desire to be seen, to be noticed, to be validated. I deserve to be heard and seen and loved. I am of worth and I can make a difference. As a recovering perfectionist, I also struggle with this expectation of always doing things right and worrying what others might think of me, and knowing that I am my own worst critic, I will never be enough, not for myself, not for anyone. At the same time, I wonder if I am too much for some people, or as the kids say these days . . . being “extra.” I love reading, I love Spanish, I love dancing, I love my spiritual path, I love Toltec teachings, I love Warrior Goddess Training, I love being silly and playing games, I love being a nerd, I love doing Yoga and Extreme Hip Hop Step, who cares if people think I’m “extra”?
Another place in my life that I have noticed duality is with my fiancee. He served his country honorably in the Navy. When he sees others kneel or walk away in protest during the national anthem, he gets upset. I can understand his perspective, and, I can honor him. At the same time, I can honor those that kneel or walk out in protest, because they have suffered greatly as a consequence of the politics and systems of this same country.
As I have tried to navigate COVID-19, I have encountered even more duality. Everyone has their theories, has done their research, has their personal beliefs about how COVID-19 originated and the severity of it. Several weeks ago, I started teaching a modified schedule of yoga classes at my gyms and I have witnessed people doing their best in this unprecedented situation. Some have chosen not to return to the gym for various reasons, some have reluctantly chosen to come back to the gym and make sure that others are following protocol, and others were ready to jump back in without hesitation. I have chosen to teach my modified schedule of 3 classes per week, as opposed to the usual 8 classes per week, wear a mask and gloves when required, as well as take the precautions of social distancing, hand sanitizer, and washing hands frequently. I recognize that others would not do the same, I can appreciate all of these differences and still do what I feel is best for me at this time.
The coinciding thread through all of these examples is: we are all at choice, and life is full of duality. I get to choose how I am going to show up in this life. I get to decide what is best for me, knowing still, what I do will affect those I love. I get to choose if I want to show up and be big, or show up and stay small, or somewhere in between. Two people can have two completely different opinions, and they can both be right. I can honor the different perspectives, and I don’t have to agree with either of them. I am allowed to determine what is best for me during a pandemic, and, I can honor that others will elect to react differently. As I continue to notice the duality of life, my hope is to honor and embrace it, and at the same time consciously choose what is best for me and my growth, my path. I hope that you can do the same. Namaste.
Rachel
"There Is NO Magic Pill Y'all!"
I recently gave a series of one hour classes for teachers. The topics ranged from teaching mindfully to parenting to self-care. I can wholeheartedly say that I am passionate about these topics and that I am and will continue to be in process with these subject matters in my own life, and I did my best to prepare and teach them. My desire was and is to teach and serve, and hopefully make a difference. I do this, knowing that my message may not be well received, or that it may not resonate with all. One thing that I consistently discover is that we must all find what works for us in this life, what works for me, may not work for you. Nevertheless, I noticed that though most of the feedback was positive, and there were a few negative, there were some who wanted a “magic pill.” They wanted me to give them this “magic pill” in a one hour on-line class. The problem with this idea of a “magic pill” to fix all of our woes and troubles, is that it requires no work.
Yes, life is work! Sometimes though, we make it harder than it has to be, especially when we become self-important. I have to do it all myself, otherwise it won’t get done, or it will get done the wrong way. Or, I can’t take anything off of my plate right now. Trust me, I still get caught in this trap. The fact is, I don’t have to do it myself, I can ask for help. The truth is, all of those things don’t have to be on my plate. This reminds me of when Don Miguel writes about humans’ addiction to suffering in The Four Agreements and his other works. Why must we suffer? Why must I have all of these things on my plate in order to be a good person? Am I really the only one who can accomplish this task? Or can I ask for help?
We must be willing to do the work, to take a careful inventory of where we are spending our time and energy and decide if it is serving us in a positive or negative way. Example . . . Two years into my teaching career, I had my first child. When I had my son, I made a conscious choice to never take work home. I decided I wanted to be fully present for my children. Don’t you worry, there were plenty of other distractions that life brought me along the way. The point is, we are at choice. We get to choose what takes up our time and energy.
That brings me to one of my favorite new words “NO.” Several years ago, I discovered this word “NO.” I have practiced using it, because, it does take practice. A couple years ago, my dear friend (another Rachel), told me how much she loved my “NO’s.” It took me a moment to register, since at first I thought she meant “nose.” Then I realized what she meant, she had witnessed me telling another yoga instructor how I had to say no to some opportunities because I knew I did not have the space or energy in my life, no matter how wonderful the offer was. I said my no with conviction and in a pleasant and peaceful tone, there was no need for anyone to become defensive or offended. Yay for “no’s!”:
Though sometimes I do wish there was a magic pill that could help me make the right choice at each turn, that is not what this journey is about. This journey is about growth and finding and connecting to our true authentic self. This journey is filled with duality: the ups and downs, the good and bad, the joy and sorrow, fear and love. The more we can be fluid in life, accepting the mystery of it, the more we can learn, evolve and grow into our divine purpose.
Much love,
Rachel
Reflections
As I sit to write again, I have much to reflect upon. It has been almost two years since I have written a blog. It has been two years since my husband passed away. As I look back at what I wrote two years ago, the truths remain the same, and much has happened to help me grow and progress. I continue to practice the first agreement “being impeccable with my word”. Knowing this is a practice, and sometimes I mess up. Applying this not just to what I say to others, but what I say about myself, the thoughts I have about myself and others, and now, especially being impeccable with my energy. Using my energy to do things that I love, that I enjoy, and doing things I “have” to do (washing dishes, paying bills, etc.) with love and joy.
I am still playing with this concept of making myself small vs. making myself big. I am exploring this in many different ways: noticing when I am not actively listening, allowing myself to be seen in new ways, by teaching teachers, teaching AP classes, being a mentor in one of HeatherAsh’s online programs, and using my voice to contribute to conversations in a mindful way. Learning that I am not necessarily promoting myself, but the message that I want to share. My passion drives me to share these messages: learning another language and culture, physical movement, yoga, Warrior Goddess, Toltec, and other enlightened teachings.
Through this pandemic, I have learned to let go even more. I have let go of what life should look like, what teaching should look like, what my schedule should look like, what my fitness should look like. My children and I have also been moving into a new home with my fiance during this time, which has allowed me more practice of letting go of what the house should look like. It has also proved interesting to watch my fiance try to grasp this concept of letting go of material things, and sometimes embrace it. I have found that having too many things becomes overwhelming and causes me anxiety, so I am learning to be ok with that too. My fiance loves to fix things and has a garage full of tools, he uses those tools, just as I have a kindle and bookshelves full of books that I love and use. His tools = My books!
As I sat down to write the blog “Presence and The Power of Now” I was in a very deep struggle to change my relationship with my husband. I knew I could not change him, so I knew I had to change MY relationship to/with him. I became very present and conscious, and I continue to practice this awareness daily. I continue to practice letting go of my judge, because allowing my judge to take over my mind takes away that presence. I am more easily able to connect to my inner stillness and be at peace when I silence the judge.
Finally, as I look back at my story of being a victim, I can smile faintly, because that story did not stay with me very long. Do I still grieve? Yes. I miss him, we had a very deep relationship, and he has been able to support me over the last two years, much more so than when he was in pain on this earth. I continue to hold my story with gratitude for all that I have learned, and all I continue to learn. Gratitude for the two beautiful beings that I am mother to in this life. Gratitude that I can share my story. Grateful for the path I have chosen.
Yours,
Rachel
Changing My Story . . . From Victim to Warrior Goddess
As I continue to dive deeper and deeper into my own spirituality and search for and create my own spiritual path, I become more aware of the stories I have created. I have come to know and understand that these stories, however real they may seem to me, are part of my imagination and my conditioning or domestication. The biggest story I am working on, and will continue to work on for the coming months, years, possibly the rest of my life (I am a realist and I have learned that there are no time limits), is this: I am a widow and my husband was an addict. Though this story is real, it does not define me, and it is my choice how I choose to be in this story. I can choose to be the victim, which sometimes feels easier . . . "Look at me! Poor me! Please, feel sorry for me!" Then what? . . . . . Instead: I am a widow and my husband was an addict, because of this I often feel sad, longing, angry, and strong and brave.
As I work on embracing this story and the emotions that come with it, I hope that I will continue to come back to a place of gratitude. Gratitude for the opportunity to have had such a deep relationship with my late husband, with a profound knowing that I can continue that relationship with him. Gratitude for our 2 beautiful, perfectly (im)perfect children. And gratitude for spiritual gifts and teachings from the Toltecs, my Warrior Goddess mama, HeatherAsh Amara, my Warrior Goddess Sisters, my yoga studies, and all the other beautiful wisdom I have found, and hope to continue to find on this journey.
By walking directly into this story, instead of avoiding or denying it, that is how I learn the most. Being aware of this story and how it has shaped me, now I can choose how I carry it with me, and maybe, to some day, let it go. For now I am doing my best to be compassionate with myself and my late husband. He, as all humans, deserves compassion. I cannot remember one day, since the day we met, that he was not in pain. To say that he suffered from chronic pain, in my opinion, is debasing. Neither his body, nor his mind, nor his spirit, could carry that burden any longer. Because of this, it's hard for me to remember the man I fell in love with more than 20 years ago. He is buried under his addictions and my codependent behaviors, my need and attachment to being his caretaker, my fear of his reactions, and our isolation. I hope to be able to find that man again, to remember all of the good times, the lessons he taught me, the love he gave me freely. I know it will take time.
So now, I am learning to be compassionate with myself, to take care of myself. To set boundaries and to create a shield that can only be permeated by positive energies. It feels like the hardest thing I have ever done, because as women we have been taught that our self-worth is based on how well we take care of others, and not how we care for our own beautiful, precious being. I am embracing my Goddess energy, that is full of free-flowing compassion and love, and my Warrior energy, that is fierce and will set boundaries that others may not understand. And as a Warrior Goddess, I strive to bring PEACE and STILLNESS to my own being, and to those that are in my life and those that may come into my life in the future. So let it be.
Yours truly,
Rachel Warrior Goddess
Presence and The Power of Now
Last month I spent 6 glorious days with my Warrior Goddess sisters and Warrior Goddess mama, HeatherAsh Amara. We worked and we trained, but mostly it felt like play to me. So, as you can imagine, coming back to the "real" world was disappointing to say the least. I watched myself slowly, or quickly, spiral into a negative, tense, and frustrating place. However, after a few weeks of poor me, I am such a victim, I called for some change. Last week I wrote . . . I "f**king feel like I am f**king starting over!!! Why? Why am I f**king here?" and more!
So, what did I do? I went back to the basics. I went back to a book I found strange yet wonderful 8 years ago when I first read it, I didn't quite understand it then, the book is "The Power of Now", by Eckhart Tolle. There are so many parallels in this book with the Toltec teachings, and the teachings that HeatherAsh presents in Warrior Goddess Training. I will address just a few . . . . . .
First, consciousness vs. unconsciousness. Consciousness means presence, it means you in your purest state and form, it means you are fully present in the Now. Everything that is beautiful and that truly matters in life happens in the Now. It comes from a place of stillness and presence in the mind. Unconsciousness comes from all of the noise in your mind, the mitote as the Toltecs would call it. Our mind makes it really hard to stay present and in the Now, our mind, in fact, tries to sabotage us by creating so much noise, by telling us we are a victim or by judging ourselves or others. So what we want is to find this state of inner connectedness that brings us to peace, stillness, and presence.
Next, the idea of the judge, the judge that exists in our mind that makes all of that noise, that tells you that you are not enough, and that tells you to judge others to make you feel better about yourself. Along with the judge comes the victim, the poor me, why does bad stuff always happen to me. All of this just circulating around in our mind telling us how awful we are and how horrible our life is, and if we just did this or that, then . . . If we focus too much on the future we create unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry and other forms of fear. If we focus on the past we create feelings of guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness. When we surrender to the Now and are fully present in this moment these feelings and noises go away.
Is this to say that the present is always perfect, NO! The present moment can sometimes be painful or sad or frustrating. But think of all the pain and suffering we can alleviate in our lives if we just focus on the Now, if we consciously ignore the mitote, the noise in our minds. Consciousness is a choice. We can choose to be awake and conscious, or we can choose to suffer and be unconscious. I choose consciousness!
Yours truly,
Rachel Warrior Goddess
Attachment
So . . . . when I first decided to start writing this blog, the first thing that came to mind was to start with The First Agreement "Be impeccable with your word". And because I can be a bit OCD, I thought, well, the next one "HAS" to be about the second agreement. However, that is not how life happens, life does not happen in the order we want, or the order we predict, life just happens!! Therefore, I have decided to write about whatever theme keeps popping up, or lesson I am learning at the moment. Yesterday, I finished reading The Master of Self by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. There are so many wonderful lessons in this book, many of which HeatherAsh addresses in Warrior Goddess Training. The first one that I want to address is attachment.
When I first started on this journey, I believed attachment referred more to material objects, ideas, and beliefs. I started giving up things, downsizing. I let go of a lot of old agreements or ways of thinking, and realized there is not just one correct way to do anything, there are many. I continue to practice this idea of liberating myself from attachments by continuing to let go of these old agreements, but it is a process. Though, during this process I have learned that attachment has many meanings.
The attachment to outcome, and the letting go of expectations, is the one I am focused on at the present moment. I have decided to take action in some areas of my life, whereas in the past I would have just accepted things the way they were. I hate to make waves or create tension, or the idea of confrontation. But I have decided that my voice needs to be heard, and I am not attached to the outcome. I cannot sit and pout if I was not assertive and did not advocate for myself. At least if I speak my truth, and take action, I have done my best. If people listen, great! If they don't, great?!? And maybe it's time to move on.
Letting go of expectations is something I have taught my yoga students for years. This is parallel with not being attached to the outcome. For example, if one of my yoga students shows up to class and I am out of town, they can be mad at me because I am not there, or they can take the class with the sub, or they can go home and pout, etc. Or, what if a student shows up to yoga class and she is feeling great, but when we do a series of balance poses, she is wobbly and can't hold the poses. She can beat herself up, judge herself, or just be proud of herself for showing up and giving it her best effort.
My 14 year old daughter is in a time of her life where she is very attached to the outcome. She is graded at school, and she feels if she doesn't have straight A's, she is not good enough. She is a gymnast and she is judged on her routines and given a score to reflect that. It is a fine line as a mother. I remind her often that the grade or the score do not reflect what kind of person she is or who she really is. Her grades/scores do not equal her authentic self.
This is not to say that we should not have any expectations of ourselves or others, but when we attach too much importance to something we have no control over, we are setting ourselves up for some drama. Letting go of these attachments and expectations will ultimately allow us to have more control. So, here's to more work and practice of letting go of our attachments and expectations!
Yours truly,
Rachel Warrior Goddess
Feeling Small . . .
This is something I struggle with in two ways: sometimes I make myself small on purpose to please others, to not create drama, and other times I don't want to feel small, I want to feel important, but sometimes that means making others feel small in the process. So, this is something I continue to work on, putting away this need to feel big or small in different situations, being fulfilled with my own being, my own self-love and self-acceptance are enough!!!
Being a "pleaser" has always been one of my coping strategies, making myself small so that I don't upset anyone, putting others' needs before my own. I believe that women do this, we saw our mothers' do it before us. We do it with our partners, our children, our friends. Why?? I think because we want to be loved and accepted, we don't want anyone mad at us, we don't have enough self-love, we want approval. So, taking a deep breath next time you feel small, and really noticing what is best for you, not what you feel is best for everyone else, in that moment. Don't be afraid to "speak your truth", don't be afraid to let others know what you need or want, and I will do the same.
I noticed recently, that I sometimes I find myself interrupting certain people in conversations so I can tell them . . . "Hey, look at me! I am important too! I did this and that . . . ". So, I have to make a conscious effort to STOP!, shift my perspective, and LISTEN! I need to notice when I do this, and understand, I am important, talking over someone, interrupting someone, or belittling someone, certainly does not make me more important. We are all precious, including me!
So, let's stop feeling small, or making others feel small to make ourselves feel big. Let's realize how precious each of us are. Let's do the work we need to do on ourselves and not try to fix others. Let's support each other on our journeys. Let's always come back to the reality that we are all important, we all have gifts, we all are capable of greatness.
Yours truly,
Rachel Warrior Goddess
Be Impeccable with your Word . . .
Many years ago I came across The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Thank you Oprah! It was at a time in my life when there was a lot of transition and turmoil. The first agreement is "Be impeccable with your word." What I have realized with the first agreement is that being impeccable with your word is important not only when speaking to others, but also, when we speak to ourselves.
Don Miguel defines impeccable as without sin. Therefore, we want to use the word without sin, without going against ourselves. We want to use the word to create magic and beauty, instead of fear and hate. With your word you can create "personal freedom", and "huge success and abundance". The word can "take away all fear and transform it into joy and love." "You can live in heaven in the middle of thousands of people living in hell because you are immune to that hell" because you use your word to express love and gratitude, or it can do the opposite!
First, we want to use the word to manifest love for ourselves. If we can love ourselves and accept ourselves, it is so much easier to accept and love others. So . . . the more we love ourselves, the easier it is to use our word with integrity and love towards others. This does not mean that we are selfish or narcissistic, rather that we don't need the acceptance and approval of others to love ourselves the way we are right now, and that allows the love to flow more freely in us.
Sometimes, I think I have this mastered, then I say something awful, for example . . . "are you being dyslexic right now?" to my high school students! I did apologize! Or I snap at my husband because I am in the middle of doing laundry, and why is he interrupting me! The point is, it takes time to rewire the brain! It takes years of practice and messing up! That is what is so beautiful about The Four Agreements, though we do our best to be impeccable with our word, we "take responsibility for (our) actions, but (we) do not judge or blame (ourselves)." We simply "do our best!"
Yours truly,
Rachel Warrior Goddess