Over the last several months I have continually noticed the duality of life. Simultaneously, in my person, in relationship with those around me, and out in the world. As I started noticing all of this duality, I thought . . . How can this be? One has to be right, and one has to be wrong, and, I am learning to replace that thought with . . . . . This is how it is. How can I embrace and honor the duality of life? How can I find balance for me?
The duality that I have been aware of in myself is, one, the desire to stay small, but also to be big and seen, and, two, the fear of not being enough, or of being too much. For most of my life I have wanted to stay small and unseen, partly out of fear that others would see that I am not perfect and could see all of my flaws, and also, because it just feels easier and more comfortable to stay in the shadows. What do I have to say or contribute that has not already been said or contributed to the world? Why would anyone want to listen to me, or look at me? The flip side of this is that underlying desire to be seen, to be noticed, to be validated. I deserve to be heard and seen and loved. I am of worth and I can make a difference. As a recovering perfectionist, I also struggle with this expectation of always doing things right and worrying what others might think of me, and knowing that I am my own worst critic, I will never be enough, not for myself, not for anyone. At the same time, I wonder if I am too much for some people, or as the kids say these days . . . being “extra.” I love reading, I love Spanish, I love dancing, I love my spiritual path, I love Toltec teachings, I love Warrior Goddess Training, I love being silly and playing games, I love being a nerd, I love doing Yoga and Extreme Hip Hop Step, who cares if people think I’m “extra”?
Another place in my life that I have noticed duality is with my fiancee. He served his country honorably in the Navy. When he sees others kneel or walk away in protest during the national anthem, he gets upset. I can understand his perspective, and, I can honor him. At the same time, I can honor those that kneel or walk out in protest, because they have suffered greatly as a consequence of the politics and systems of this same country.
As I have tried to navigate COVID-19, I have encountered even more duality. Everyone has their theories, has done their research, has their personal beliefs about how COVID-19 originated and the severity of it. Several weeks ago, I started teaching a modified schedule of yoga classes at my gyms and I have witnessed people doing their best in this unprecedented situation. Some have chosen not to return to the gym for various reasons, some have reluctantly chosen to come back to the gym and make sure that others are following protocol, and others were ready to jump back in without hesitation. I have chosen to teach my modified schedule of 3 classes per week, as opposed to the usual 8 classes per week, wear a mask and gloves when required, as well as take the precautions of social distancing, hand sanitizer, and washing hands frequently. I recognize that others would not do the same, I can appreciate all of these differences and still do what I feel is best for me at this time.
The coinciding thread through all of these examples is: we are all at choice, and life is full of duality. I get to choose how I am going to show up in this life. I get to decide what is best for me, knowing still, what I do will affect those I love. I get to choose if I want to show up and be big, or show up and stay small, or somewhere in between. Two people can have two completely different opinions, and they can both be right. I can honor the different perspectives, and I don’t have to agree with either of them. I am allowed to determine what is best for me during a pandemic, and, I can honor that others will elect to react differently. As I continue to notice the duality of life, my hope is to honor and embrace it, and at the same time consciously choose what is best for me and my growth, my path. I hope that you can do the same. Namaste.
Rachel