As I sit to write again, I have much to reflect upon. It has been almost two years since I have written a blog. It has been two years since my husband passed away. As I look back at what I wrote two years ago, the truths remain the same, and much has happened to help me grow and progress. I continue to practice the first agreement “being impeccable with my word”. Knowing this is a practice, and sometimes I mess up. Applying this not just to what I say to others, but what I say about myself, the thoughts I have about myself and others, and now, especially being impeccable with my energy. Using my energy to do things that I love, that I enjoy, and doing things I “have” to do (washing dishes, paying bills, etc.) with love and joy.
I am still playing with this concept of making myself small vs. making myself big. I am exploring this in many different ways: noticing when I am not actively listening, allowing myself to be seen in new ways, by teaching teachers, teaching AP classes, being a mentor in one of HeatherAsh’s online programs, and using my voice to contribute to conversations in a mindful way. Learning that I am not necessarily promoting myself, but the message that I want to share. My passion drives me to share these messages: learning another language and culture, physical movement, yoga, Warrior Goddess, Toltec, and other enlightened teachings.
Through this pandemic, I have learned to let go even more. I have let go of what life should look like, what teaching should look like, what my schedule should look like, what my fitness should look like. My children and I have also been moving into a new home with my fiance during this time, which has allowed me more practice of letting go of what the house should look like. It has also proved interesting to watch my fiance try to grasp this concept of letting go of material things, and sometimes embrace it. I have found that having too many things becomes overwhelming and causes me anxiety, so I am learning to be ok with that too. My fiance loves to fix things and has a garage full of tools, he uses those tools, just as I have a kindle and bookshelves full of books that I love and use. His tools = My books!
As I sat down to write the blog “Presence and The Power of Now” I was in a very deep struggle to change my relationship with my husband. I knew I could not change him, so I knew I had to change MY relationship to/with him. I became very present and conscious, and I continue to practice this awareness daily. I continue to practice letting go of my judge, because allowing my judge to take over my mind takes away that presence. I am more easily able to connect to my inner stillness and be at peace when I silence the judge.
Finally, as I look back at my story of being a victim, I can smile faintly, because that story did not stay with me very long. Do I still grieve? Yes. I miss him, we had a very deep relationship, and he has been able to support me over the last two years, much more so than when he was in pain on this earth. I continue to hold my story with gratitude for all that I have learned, and all I continue to learn. Gratitude for the two beautiful beings that I am mother to in this life. Gratitude that I can share my story. Grateful for the path I have chosen.
Yours,
Rachel