Some of you may know that I recently, okay two days ago, got married, and I hate the word “wife". I literally cringe every time I hear the word “wife.” Part of allowing myself to get married is, and has been, redefining what marriage means, or can mean, to me , as well as all the words that traditionally go along with marriage. Fortunately for me, my new husband accepts and loves me as I am, and still wanted to marry me, haha. I think, no, I know, he was a little disappointed when I told him . . . “No, I don’t think so, I am not changing my last name.” Of course, in my feminist mind, I think “You changing your last name sweetheart?” Therefore, I am going to officially redefine what the word “wife” means to me, and it’s too late for my new husband, because we are already married, and honestly, he really does love me.
The true definition of the word “wife” is a married woman, period. However, for me, and many other women, the word “wife” has meant many other things. In my first marriage, “wife” meant many things, that I no longer believe. It meant self-sacrifice. Some may read that and think, “What is wrong with self-sacrifice?” What is wrong with this idea of self-sacrifice is that as women, we have been taught and shown that we must literally sacrifice ourselves for our husbands. Whether it is our career, our bodies, our hopes, our dreams, we surrender ourselves in order to support our husband. In my first marriage I sacrificed too much of myself, and I have gradually been nourishing, growing, and discovering much beauty in my being over the last several years. This idea of self-sacrifice is no longer true for me. I do not sacrifice my mental, physical, emotional, spiritual well-being for another, not even my husband. And the most beautiful part is, my new husband does not expect that from me.
For me, being a wife in the past, meant supporting my husband unconditionally. I confused unconditional love with unconditional support. Just because you love someone unconditionally, does not mean that you have to support them unconditionally, especially if their behaviors are harmful to themselves and others. Especially if you disagree with them, you are allowed to have your own opinions, your own thoughts, and you are allowed to express them. In my first marriage, though I loved him unconditionally and deeply, I fell into this trap of unconditional support for many years. I consciously knew that if I chose to disagree with him, that there would be consequences. Because of this, many times I chose to be quiet, other times I spoke up, and I suffered the consequences, because I knew that his reactions had nothing to do with me, but with his own suffering. My new husband and I love each other unconditionally, we accept each other as we are, we support each other, and we allow each other to have our own opinions and beliefs, and we consciously choose behaviors that do not harm ourselves and the ones we love.
Wife equals household manager, is another belief I used to have. I thought I had to cook and prepare every meal, do all the laundry, keep the house clean, keep track of all the bills and make sure they got paid. Now, I allow myself to primarily take care of myself, and the other adults in the house to do the same. I enjoy going to Target and buying groceries, so I do make sure there is food in the house, but I no longer feel like I have to prepare dinner every night, and I don’t. Some nights I cook, sometimes, my husband grills, sometimes, it’s each human for herself/himself, and sometimes we get take out. Now, I do my laundry, he does his laundry. And, confession, I do enjoy some of the cleaning duties, so I do tend to clean more than the other people that live in my home, but, guess what!, I get to ask for help when I need it, and it all gets done! And, as for the bills, I keep track of mine, he keeps track of his, and we have one joint account to pay our joint bills, the rest we keep separate.
Staying hidden and small while playing this role of wife is another belief I used to have as well. No one should see all of these things I am doing, I shouldn’t make a big deal about it, I should stay humble and invisible. I should fulfill my role as wife out of duty and self-sacrifice. But, why shouldn’t people see me? Why shouldn’t I have value and be worthy of recognition? All humans have value and are worthy of being seen and acknowledged. Why as women and wives do we find it hard to be seen, acknowledged, and valued? Most likely because of our conditioning, it’s what we saw our mothers do, it’s what we saw on t.v. And, we get to change that, we get to decide to value ourselves and in turn demand that we are treated accordingly.
So, then, what is the new definition of “wife” for me? A “wife” is a helpmate, a partner. A “wife” demands respect, and gives respect. A “wife” allows herself to be loved and appreciated, and loves and appreciates her husband. A “wife” can ask for help, and create loving boundaries. She can speak her mind, and not be afraid. She can laugh at herself, and her husband, and life. She can create beauty in her life and in the lives of those that surround her. She can be her authentic self, and be loved for it. She can dance in the kitchen, sew on a button, tell her husband “no”, and ask for what she wants. A “wife” is autonomous and sovereign, and she is a beacon to her partner. I enjoy saying lots of four-letter words, and I think I am going to enjoy fulfilling this re-defined role of “wife". What else can we re-define?