As I continue to dive deeper and deeper into my own spirituality and search for and create my own spiritual path, I become more aware of the stories I have created. I have come to know and understand that these stories, however real they may seem to me, are part of my imagination and my conditioning or domestication. The biggest story I am working on, and will continue to work on for the coming months, years, possibly the rest of my life (I am a realist and I have learned that there are no time limits), is this: I am a widow and my husband was an addict. Though this story is real, it does not define me, and it is my choice how I choose to be in this story. I can choose to be the victim, which sometimes feels easier . . . "Look at me! Poor me! Please, feel sorry for me!" Then what? . . . . . Instead: I am a widow and my husband was an addict, because of this I often feel sad, longing, angry, and strong and brave.
As I work on embracing this story and the emotions that come with it, I hope that I will continue to come back to a place of gratitude. Gratitude for the opportunity to have had such a deep relationship with my late husband, with a profound knowing that I can continue that relationship with him. Gratitude for our 2 beautiful, perfectly (im)perfect children. And gratitude for spiritual gifts and teachings from the Toltecs, my Warrior Goddess mama, HeatherAsh Amara, my Warrior Goddess Sisters, my yoga studies, and all the other beautiful wisdom I have found, and hope to continue to find on this journey.
By walking directly into this story, instead of avoiding or denying it, that is how I learn the most. Being aware of this story and how it has shaped me, now I can choose how I carry it with me, and maybe, to some day, let it go. For now I am doing my best to be compassionate with myself and my late husband. He, as all humans, deserves compassion. I cannot remember one day, since the day we met, that he was not in pain. To say that he suffered from chronic pain, in my opinion, is debasing. Neither his body, nor his mind, nor his spirit, could carry that burden any longer. Because of this, it's hard for me to remember the man I fell in love with more than 20 years ago. He is buried under his addictions and my codependent behaviors, my need and attachment to being his caretaker, my fear of his reactions, and our isolation. I hope to be able to find that man again, to remember all of the good times, the lessons he taught me, the love he gave me freely. I know it will take time.
So now, I am learning to be compassionate with myself, to take care of myself. To set boundaries and to create a shield that can only be permeated by positive energies. It feels like the hardest thing I have ever done, because as women we have been taught that our self-worth is based on how well we take care of others, and not how we care for our own beautiful, precious being. I am embracing my Goddess energy, that is full of free-flowing compassion and love, and my Warrior energy, that is fierce and will set boundaries that others may not understand. And as a Warrior Goddess, I strive to bring PEACE and STILLNESS to my own being, and to those that are in my life and those that may come into my life in the future. So let it be.
Yours truly,
Rachel Warrior Goddess